It's been awhile...

Since this doesn't get read, it doesn't matter what I say so...
I'm just so tired of living. It's springtime, what used to be my favorite time of the year. Now I don't even care. Last night, I saw the first lightning bugs this year. Didn't seem to have that same effect on me that it used to, didn't make me think of fairies and magical creatures this time. Dogwoods are blooming, so what. The day before Ostara, noticed that there was one little pink bloom on petunias that came back from last year, no big deal this time. How can I, someone who could always find beauty and pleasure in the most simple things, just not give a shit anymore? The only, and I do mean only, pleasures I get out of life are my best friend and dog Buddy, and playing Farmville. Strange, huh? I panic with every noise heard, keep the blinds closed that someone might be able to see in at, curse the fact that I still have to breathe. Want to just run away to a magical land  or become a beach bum in California. Buddy is my lifeline. I just can't leave him or make him live without me. We have been together for 12 years and other than being a different species and not having my blood, he is my child.
     Yesterday I had to get out the earbuds and listen to some "cry in my beer" music. All that did was bring back memories of happier times. Just made the whole situation worse. I have so had it with all this "put your faith in god" crap from people. By now they ought to know, I don't worship their god. I worship a goddess. Someone told me to listen, She would guide me. I have tried, numerous times there has been no answer. So now I don't know if I believe in anything anymore. Some how my mind has adopted this weird theory that I am just here to be miserable and depressed. Maybe that is why I am still around. It's some sort of celestial joke that is being played on a big flat screen somewhere while the universe is making fun of my struggles to decide whether I live or die. I am just one speck of sand that someone has brushed off in annoyance. I matter to no one in any way except to Buddy. He is the only one left on this earth that cares for me. He is the only one who cares enough to be by my side while I struggle. I have tried to reach out to others, all I get is no response. As much love as I want to believe I have to share, Buddy is the only one who will accept it.