Tuesday, December 30, 2014
So much has changed......
So much has changed.....
If you think I'm losing my mind after reading this, ok, so what. I know life is not fair, but hoping you don't wake up the next day is unfair also. Its not the material crap, money or social status. I've lost every part of who I am and now just trying to cope with being a complete opposite to survive another day. So, don't judge. It can happen to anyone, although I hope not. We all should still be able to dream, hope, and have some happiness.
All of them are gone, all I have left is Buddy and with his age and health, I don't expect to have him very long. They left me here, I am with no options, no one who actually really cares. Everyday is just a curse. I have been beat down to the point, I no longer know myself. There's no one left to lean on, cry to, love, hold, cherish, no one. My beloved Kaye passed on 2 years ago this next March. The only man who made me feel like a beautiful person, John Wayne, my brother, cousin, true friend was gone a year this past Dec. 13. I get so mad because they won't come back for me. Its a roller coaster, one day I am something treasured, then for weeks I am nothing. Just a dependant, stupid, ugly, worthless nothing. Every word out of my mouth is ignorant, making me feel unworthy of breathing his high society, better than everyone else air. It has been so long since I have been treated like I am worthy that I no longer try to be. I do not clean the house, nor do I care that I live in filth. I try, this is not me. Me would care, me would do any and everything to have a home, plants, make up, hair, clothes that I was proud of. No matter how little money I had before this disaster, I was proud of how I utilized it. I cared, I enjoyed living, the veggies I grew, the flowers that bloomed, fresh misty morning air, sunsets, thunderstorms. The free, fabulous joys life gives those who take the time to appreciate them. Those are the wonders I enjoyed with every loved one who has passed on. Simple, innocent, casual joy. My most cherished moments are those, losing the memory of knowing what happiness feels like is absolutely killing me in many ways. You could say it's my own fault, but hell no. I didn't know they'd all go away. I had to cut ties with my best friend, Angie, back in June. She finally pushed every button, toxic is putting it mildly. As I said, I have no allies left, only those who make them selves feel good by hurting others, those who don't give two shits about anything simple or beautiful. I wish I had the guts to end it, to leave this fucked up lie of a life that I hate to the extent it is eating me from the inside out. I like to eat, feed my furbabies, have shelter. So being happy or enjoying one moment of living is not even a remote possibility as I can forsee in the future. I want to drive out to Pine Top in my Trans Am t tops out, jacked on white crosses, starting on a 12 pk, with a couple of joints to smoke. The sun would be just starting to set on a warm, not humid, late spring day. The road to the top of the secluded hill wouldn't be too washed out from the rain 2 days ago, just a little dust in the rear view. Not alone, with anyone who made beautiful memories with me in the past, when I was me. Just sit there, listen to great tunes, both country and rock, get a killer buzz, laugh, lay on the hood, gaze at the colors of the sunset until the heat lightning appeared after dark. If I had that as my very last memory, if I had passed on like that years ago, I could conclude my life was wonderful. I don't want to go out hating every moment I must exist, lonely, sad and empty. I want to fire that TA up, feel the wind in my hair, righteous tunes massaging my ears, smell the fragrant summertime, smoke some killer weed, then smile as I drive off into the sunset, never looking back, never coming back but
KNOWING I loved life and it was good, very good. At least I have one dream left.....
If you think I'm losing my mind after reading this, ok, so what. I know life is not fair, but hoping you don't wake up the next day is unfair also. Its not the material crap, money or social status. I've lost every part of who I am and now just trying to cope with being a complete opposite to survive another day. So, don't judge. It can happen to anyone, although I hope not. We all should still be able to dream, hope, and have some happiness.
All of them are gone, all I have left is Buddy and with his age and health, I don't expect to have him very long. They left me here, I am with no options, no one who actually really cares. Everyday is just a curse. I have been beat down to the point, I no longer know myself. There's no one left to lean on, cry to, love, hold, cherish, no one. My beloved Kaye passed on 2 years ago this next March. The only man who made me feel like a beautiful person, John Wayne, my brother, cousin, true friend was gone a year this past Dec. 13. I get so mad because they won't come back for me. Its a roller coaster, one day I am something treasured, then for weeks I am nothing. Just a dependant, stupid, ugly, worthless nothing. Every word out of my mouth is ignorant, making me feel unworthy of breathing his high society, better than everyone else air. It has been so long since I have been treated like I am worthy that I no longer try to be. I do not clean the house, nor do I care that I live in filth. I try, this is not me. Me would care, me would do any and everything to have a home, plants, make up, hair, clothes that I was proud of. No matter how little money I had before this disaster, I was proud of how I utilized it. I cared, I enjoyed living, the veggies I grew, the flowers that bloomed, fresh misty morning air, sunsets, thunderstorms. The free, fabulous joys life gives those who take the time to appreciate them. Those are the wonders I enjoyed with every loved one who has passed on. Simple, innocent, casual joy. My most cherished moments are those, losing the memory of knowing what happiness feels like is absolutely killing me in many ways. You could say it's my own fault, but hell no. I didn't know they'd all go away. I had to cut ties with my best friend, Angie, back in June. She finally pushed every button, toxic is putting it mildly. As I said, I have no allies left, only those who make them selves feel good by hurting others, those who don't give two shits about anything simple or beautiful. I wish I had the guts to end it, to leave this fucked up lie of a life that I hate to the extent it is eating me from the inside out. I like to eat, feed my furbabies, have shelter. So being happy or enjoying one moment of living is not even a remote possibility as I can forsee in the future. I want to drive out to Pine Top in my Trans Am t tops out, jacked on white crosses, starting on a 12 pk, with a couple of joints to smoke. The sun would be just starting to set on a warm, not humid, late spring day. The road to the top of the secluded hill wouldn't be too washed out from the rain 2 days ago, just a little dust in the rear view. Not alone, with anyone who made beautiful memories with me in the past, when I was me. Just sit there, listen to great tunes, both country and rock, get a killer buzz, laugh, lay on the hood, gaze at the colors of the sunset until the heat lightning appeared after dark. If I had that as my very last memory, if I had passed on like that years ago, I could conclude my life was wonderful. I don't want to go out hating every moment I must exist, lonely, sad and empty. I want to fire that TA up, feel the wind in my hair, righteous tunes massaging my ears, smell the fragrant summertime, smoke some killer weed, then smile as I drive off into the sunset, never looking back, never coming back but
KNOWING I loved life and it was good, very good. At least I have one dream left.....
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